Preparation and pre-planning are key.

Schedule visits. Research shows visits go better when there is a written plan that addresses frequency, time spent, and who will visit.

For infants and young children, more frequent and shorter visits is best.

Visits should be structured to give parents the opportunity to practice parenting skills.

Consider arranging times that include challenging situations such as meal times and bedtimes.  Parents’ visits ideally include important events such as doctor appointments, school programs.

Consider visiting outside your home or the bp’s home. Find out what your grandchild would like to do and try and arrange this activity.

Volunteer to provide transportation to and from visit, if possible.

Avoid withholding visits as a form of punishment.

Have some special before-visit rituals to comfort the child and make the time special, such as arranging special clothes or fixing the child’s hair in a particular way.

Ask the child about any items—toys, books, stuffed animals—they would like to take on the visit.

Be realistic with the child about which family members will be visiting—for example, mom only, mom and dad, and so on.

Be open about nonfamily members who may be at the visit.

Set simple, realistic goals for the visit. Focus on what the child needs and wants. Parent visits are not the time to argue, rehash the circumstances that have led to your caregiving role.

Help the bp by being a model of appropriate parenting behavior.

Be self aware of triggers that flip the lid off the strong feelings you probably have. For instance, if the parent asks for money, or criticizes your parenting, or ignores the child.

Reinforce the bp’s confidence in their parenting skills when they show positive traits.

Respect the bps, and treat them fairly.

Always discuss negative actions of the parents during visits in terms of the choices the parents made. Do not use blaming language.

Don’t assume that parents know how to play and talk with their children. Remember the parents may be transitioning from a very different world.

Your first responsibility is to the children–your child’s children. Keep them safe.

Spend extra time nurturing your grandchild and showing extra affection. Do this no matter how the visit went, but especially if the visit did not go well.

Help the child sort through his or her feelings and questions after a visit. Find a quiet place and together do some busywork activity such as coloring, drawing. Try not to go straight to screen time.

Encourage questions and answer them as honestly as possible.

Reassure your grandchild about their concerns.

Ask what the child would like to do at the next visit.

Document visits that go badly and traumatize the child. You may see a pattern. You may need to get help.

You feel may manipulated, angry and disappointed. You are ready to blame. And under it all, you probably feel powerless.  Your grandchild probably feels sad, neglected, unimportant. Here are ways to support your grandchild when visits are cancelled:

• Provide additional comforting no matter what the reason for the visit being cancelled.
• Resist the urge to blame the parent for the canceled visit. Simply explain that the parent made certain choices.
• Assure the child that he or she is not the reason the visit was cancelled. The child did nothing wrong. He or she is still loved.
• Try to go ahead and do the activity with the child that was planned with the parents.
• If visits are cancelled often, consider not telling the child about planned visits ahead of time.